An Unusual Deck of Cards
by Tanuki's Rejects
Summary: Once upon a time in the land of the Deck, a great crisis happened. This is the story of how a new Queen of Spades came to power, and the lowly yet beloved Joker was kidnapped. ItaNaru, crack.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I mean, I think you'd all notice if I did.

Not Beta'd.

Warnings: Yaoi, ItaNaru and Crack!

* * *

**An Usual Deck of Cards**

**

* * *

  
**

Once upon a time, in the land of the Deck, a great crisis happened. It caused chaos throughout the four kingdoms, despite it all being due to a misunderstanding.

This is a story of two tales, that are separate and yet the same. This is the story of how a new Queen of Spades came to power, and the lowly yet beloved Joker was kidnapped.

--

It began in the Kingdom of Diamonds. The Queen of Diamonds, Tsunade, had been waiting anxiously for The Joker to arrive. The bright man travelled all through the Four Kingdoms, spending equal time amongst the courts. It was time for him to visit them in the Kingdom of Diamonds, and he was _late._

Tsunade was the only one that noticed, of course. The rest of her court was too busy watching the evolving argument between the King of Diamonds, Orochimaru, and the Jack, Jiraiya. Shizune, the Ace, hovered nearby, trying to calm them both down.

"This is ridiculous!" Orochimaru hissed, glaring down at the Jack. "_I _am King here! I have the final say!"

"Oh, hold on," Jiraiya drawled, leaning lazily in his chair beside Orochimaru's throne. "You've gotten beyond reason here."

"I have not!" Orochimaru's voice became shrill. "And how _dare _you speak to me so!"

"ENOUGH!" Tsunade shouted, finally leaping to his feet. "Orochimaru, you _cannot _have my crown! _I _am the Queen! _You _are the King! Live with it!"

"But I'm prettier!" Orochimaru whined. After a few seconds of Tsunade's glare Orochimaru backed down.

"Shizune!" Tsunade snapped. "Where the hell is Naruto!"

It was then that the rest of the court noticed that The Joker was not there. Orochimaru only looked mildly annoyed no doubt at the slight. Jiraiya was as worried as Tsunade, and Shizune hurried from the room to question the guards.

Tsunade dropped back onto her throne, a deep frown on her face.

"Where was he last?" she demanded. The court shuffled until the Three shuffled forward.

"Your majesty," Dosu said with a grave bow. "He was last at the Kingdom of Clubs."

"Kakashi!" Tsunade growled, cursing the King of Clubs. "He and that band of morons have got him!"

"I'm not so sure, your majesty," the Ten, Kabuto, said as he pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Despite the King's fondness for him, and the Jack's, everyone knows that Naruto cannot stand the Queen for long periods of time. No one can."

"That's not true," Orochimaru purred, his eyes glittering as he leaned back in the chair. "I found Anko a delight to raise."

"You turned her into a whack job," Tsunade snapped. "And even with Kakashi and Iruka there, Naruto can't stand her. You're right."

"Of course, he may never have made it to Kingdom of Clubs," Kimimaro said as he ran his hands down his clothing, brushing over the 'Nine' on his jacket. "It would be just like King Kakashi to forget to tell anyone. Or perhaps, the messenger just got lost on the road of life?"

Tayuya snickered along with the Twins, Sakon and Ukon. Tsunade glared at the Nine, Seven and Six until they slunk to hide behind the Five and Four, Jirobo and Kidomaru.

"Where was he before?" Tsunade demanded, turning her eyes back on Dosu. However, it was the Two that answered.

"Kingdom of Hearts," Zaku grunted. The whole court groaned in disgust.

"Right," Tsunade rubbed her forehead. "And of course, they have to throw a three month long interpretive dance about how sad they are that he never showed."

"Well, what do you expect," Orochimaru huffed, still upset over the denial of Tsunade's crown. "It's _Gai._"

"Great," Tsunade muttered. "So... the Kingdom of Spades?"

Jiraiya snorted, slumping into his chair.

"Sure, the King of Spades has him," he said, sarcasm rich in his voice. "He and the Jack are holding him hostage because they can't stand the silence when he leaves. I suppose the Ace was an accomplice?"

"Shut up," Tsunade growled. "Ok, so he's probably not being held hostage by King-"

"No!" Orochimaru shrieked. "Do not speak his name! He's too pretty! It feeds his ego! I am _prettier! _I am!"

"Shut up!" Tsunade shouted. "I want a messenger out now! Find out where he is!"

--

So the messenger sped across the land, from the Kingdom of Diamonds to the Kingdom of Clubs. Sure enough, King Kakashi _had _sent a messenger, who had sneezed three times as he crossed the drawer bridge to the castle and had to circle all the Kingdoms six times before he could head to the Kingdom of Diamonds.

At the Kingdom of Hearts, the messenger was pulled into a daylong mourning dance, led by King Gai and Jack Rock Lee, until Queen Kurenai managed to rescue him. Moving on from there, he reached the Kingdom of Spades.

And that is where things got interesting.

--

The Two and Three of Spades, Suigetsu and Karin, had already deserted the Throne room. Juugo and Zetsu weren't far behind them, the Four and Five wanting to protect their ears. Kakazu and Hidan were not present in the first place, but that wasn't a surprise. The Six and Seven barely attended court. The Eight had held out longer, used to the noise due to his loud lover, the Nine, but eventually Sasori dragged Deidara from the court irritably.

Kisame sighed as he stared around the empty room. He looked up at the two thrones, one empty, one holding the King, before looking at the Jack and Ace, sprawled out in their own chairs.

"You have to tell them soon, your majesty," Kisame shouted over the noise. "They are getting anxious and fucking annoying."

"_SHUT UP!_"

The Jack had finally snapped. Rising out of his chair, he turned and pointed an accusing finger at the King.

"Shut the hell up! I'm sick of this fucking noise! Neji! We're leaving!"

The Ace rose, rolling his eyes as he followed his lover towards the door. Kisame sighed, running a hand through his blue hair.

"Sasuke's right, your majesty," the Ten said. "Everyone is sick of the noise."

"Hn."

Sitting upon the King's throne, King Itachi glared down at his Ten, his arms tightening around the squirming blond on his lap.

"And I'll keep making it!" the blond shouted, squirming and trying to get free. The bells on his hat rang as twisted, as did the ones on his toes as he kicked. "I'm gonna keep yelling until you lemme go!"

"Naruto," Itachi lifted his leg up, wrapping them around the Joker's to hold them down. "Hold _still. _I'm not letting you go. I've decided who I want the new Queen of Spades to be."

"Oh good," Kisame said, straightening. "Because the Ten, Nine and Eight of Hearts are still waiting for responses. I'm sure Hinata won't mind if you reject her, but Sakura and Ino are hell to deal with. Gai has ruined their minds. Thank God you've finally picked one."

"No," Itachi said as he calmly reached up and tugged off Naruto's hat. "I've chosen none of them. Or any of the other numbers. I want Naruto."

"Hey!" The Joker did _not _like that idea. "I'm a _guy! _I can't be the Queen of Spades!"

"I already chose you," Itachi said with a shrug. "You're mine now. And I know you're attracted to me."

"Well, but, yeah..." Poor Naruto looked so confused, he even stopped squirming. "Who isn't? But... I'm a Joker..."

Itachi leaned in to press a soft kiss to plump lips. Kisame decided it was time to leave, especially when the kiss became... less than deep. As the doors to the throne room slid closed, Kisame caught a glimpse of Itachi's hand snaking into Naruto's clothes as the former-Joker tugged at the dark hair of the King.

Shaking his head, Kisame strode down the halls. He had letters to send out to some soon to be devastated Hearts.

--

And so the Joker became the Queen of Spades. The Heart's mourned, the Clubs congratulations got side-tracked trying to help a dog learn the piano, and the Diamond's displeasure could be heard all across the land.

But in the end, the King and Queen of Spades got married. The Queen finally stopped shouting, the Jack stopped being angry, and of course...

They all lived happily ever after.

* * *

Yeah, no idea what that was.


End file.
